So, this is about a day late, but I didn’t come up with the idea until late last night and needed some time today to flesh it out. What follows is the “The Untold Story of Easter” as excerpted from the Gospel of the Voice (“Matthew 2:11,” if you will). I’m probably going to hell for this, but hopefully I’ll make some people laugh along the way. Happy belated Easter, everyone!
From the beginning of time, there were two groups of people on Earth who were embroiled in a bitter and fierce clash of beliefs. On one side there were the Catholics, believers in God and followers of His son, Jesus. On the other side were those known as the Peeps, believers in the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and followers of his apostle on this planet, the Michelin Man.
Now, God was not pleased to look down to Earth and see this divide in beliefs amongst the people who He had created. He was very disappointed that those whom he had created from nothing would not have faith and believe in Him. He figured these Peeps must simply be lost and misinformed. So, in an attempt to reward the Catholics who believed in him, and also in an attempt to lure others into the Catholic movement, God created a rabbit by the name of Peter Cottontail. Now, Peter was certainly no ordinary rabbit. Rather, the eggs which Peter laid were the most exquisite of treats. Nay, the eggs which Peter laid were of the chocolate variety, and in addition were filled with the most incredible sugary treat known to man. Henceforth the eggs which Peter laid would be known as the Cadbury Creme Egg.
Said God to Peter after his creation: “Go forth, my rabbit son. Go forth and disperse the eggs which come from your loins. Let all my children, Catholics and Peeps alike, enjoy their great, sugary, creamy, chocolatey goodness.”
And so Peter Cottontail did go forth and disperse the Cadbury Creme Eggs to the people. And so the people ate them. And they were good. And so, all the land rejoiced, at least for the moment.
However, it seems that the Peeps did not approve of the Cadbury Creme Eggs. Following the Doctrine of the Stay Puft Man, the Peeps felt that all treats to be enjoyed by man must belong to the marshmallow family of snacks. Thus, they did not take kindly to Peter Cottontail’s distribution of the Cadbury Creme Eggs and took it upon themselves to make things miserable for Peter on his trips through their villages. From high in the trees, the Peeps pelted Peter with handfuls of stale (and thus hardened) mini-marshmallows. In their front yards, they loaded catapults full of flaming marshmallows and hurled them at the poor rabbit as he made his way through the streets. Peter Cottontail faced an immense and seemingly insufferable amount of persecution, all for bringing the good of liquid sugar encased in chocolate to the people. But Peter fought through the persecution and continued to do the work of God.
Said Peter in a letter to the Michelin Man: “All I seek to do is the work of God. He hath charged me to distribute the eggs from my loins to all the people of His Earth. He wishes that they all enjoy the sugary, creamy, chocolatey goodness which the Cadbury Creme Eggs possess, and through enjoying it come to believe in Him. I mean you no harm, and seek only to spread the eggs and the word of God. Please, good sir, call your people away from their persecution of me.”
But, the Michelin Man and the Peeps were unmoved by the words of Peter Cottontail. They continued to persecute and hassle the rabbit as he made his rounds through the villages with the chocolate eggs. Then one day, things turned for the worse. The Peeps formed an angry mob, and when unsuspecting Peter came down the street, they ambushed him and took him into custody. Within a matter of days, the Peeps had decided that Cottontail must be put to death. Thus, the Peeps crucified Peter Cottontail, driving their marshmallow-roasting sticks through each of his four paws and suspending him over the fire of their annual Great Marshmallow Roast. And it was there that Peter Cottontail was left to die, while below him the Peeps enjoyed a feast of s’mores and mini-marshmallows.
Over time, Cottontail had developed a loyal following of Catholics (and it is believed some Peeps, as well) who appreciated his efforts to carry out the work of God and his attempts to help unite the divided groups of people. These followers of Peter were greatly saddened by his capture and made several attempts to free him from the custody of the Peeps. However, each time Peter requested that they leave him be, for he was brave enough to face whatever they would do to him. And on that fateful day of his death, as chocolate poured from his wounds and into the fire, Peter re-assured his followers: “Do not worry, my friends. Do not shed a tear. Do not mourn my death. Fear not for my soul, for one day I shall be resurrected.” And with those words, Peter bowed his head one final time and gave himself to the Great Beyond.
Watching from above, God was not amused by this crucifixion of Peter Cottontail, the rabbit whom He had put on Earth to unite the people who He had created. Thus, with their actions, the Peeps had thoroughly tested and pushed past the limits of God’s patience, and it was determined that they would face the wrath of a now angry and vengeful God. So, as he rained down fire and brimstone from above, God saw to it that all the ungrateful, non-believing (and in fact, evil) Peeps were transformed into colorful, tasty, animal-shaped lumps of marshmallow; the very substance they had worshipped.
Once this transformation was complete, god set about on his next creation: the microwave oven. In only a day or two, his microwave designs were complete, and it was decreed that all Peeps should be condemned to an eternity of being exploded inside these new microwave ovens. And thus, the unbelieving Peeps were vanquished, and the work of God was done. And thus, all the people rejoiced, and all was right with the world.
So it is that every year at this time we gather with friends and family and distribute amongst them the Cadbury Creme Eggs, celebrating and imitating the mission of Peter Cottontail, in hopes that some day his spirit will be resurrected and he will return to give God’s sweets to all His people once again.