Each of the past two days, I sat down to write a final paper. On Monday, it was a 10-page paper comparing and contrasting the cultural statements made by three historical narratives of different eras in Irish history. Yesterday, it was a nine-page paper on how baseball writers had really botched their coverage of steroids in the game before Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams of the San Francisco Chronicle showed up on the scene (a paper which I may post at least some excerpts from at some point in the future). Upon finishing each paper, I was faced with the task of coming up with an appropriate title for each paper. In MLA style, the first half of the title of a paper is something which grabs the reader’s attention, and the second half describes in more detail what the paper will be about. For example, the paper about the coverage of steroids in baseball ended up being titled “Disgrace to the Game: How American Sports Writers Have Failed America’s Past Time.” While I was coming up with titles, the question ran threw my mind: “If I had to write an appropriate title for my life this semester, what would it be?” Eventually, that led to me wondering what other things could lead to interesting MLA-style titles. So, “The Voice of (un)Reason” now presents the term paper titles for each NFL team’s season so far:
AFC East
Buffalo Bills – “Maybe He Found His Contact Lenses?: How and Why J.P. Losman Suddenly Discovered His Teammates Were Wearing the SAME Color as He Was”
Miami Dolphins – “It Took Eight Weeks of Fumigation, But We’ve Finally Aired the Place Out: How Removing the Aroma of Marijuana Left Behind by Ricky Williams has Let the Dolphins Start Racking up the Wins”
New England Patriots – “Our Coach and Quarterback Are Sleeping With Your Wife/Girlfriend: The Anatomy of Winning With Good Looks and No Wide Receivers”
New York Jets – “Life in a Stadium Named for a Different Team: New York’s ‘Other’ Team Tries to Make a Playoff Push”
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens- “Defense: Baltimore’s One-Dimensional Plan for Success”
Cincinnati Bengals – “The Ocho Cinco and an Orange Jump Suit: The Orations of Chad Johnson Drive the Bengals to a Life of Crime”
Cleveland Browns – “What Can Brown Do for You?: Not Much”
Pittsburgh Steelers – “End of the Line: How the Departure of ‘The Bus’ Left the Steelers’ Repeat Hopes in Detroit”
AFC South
Houston Texans – “Oh When the Saints Go Marching In (To the End Zone): The Sorrows of Choosing Mario Williams over Reggie Bush”
Indianapolis Colts – “Manning the Fallout Shelters: The Colts Preparations for their Inevitable Playoff Meltdown”
Unfortunately, it appears we may have some violations of Academic Integrity policies, as the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have both come up with the same titles – “Opponents Distracted by Fun in the Sun: Why We Can’t Win Outside the State of Florida”
Tennessee Titans – “Fountain of Youth: Dissecting How Young Makes Defenses Feel Old”
AFC West
Denver Broncos – “Pick Your Poison: Elway’s Former team Forced to Decide Between Plummer and Cutler”
Another potential act of plagiarism. The Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings both seem to have written the same paper – “Middle of the Road: Our Struggles for Publicity in a Division With the Conference’s Best and Worst Team”
Oakland Raiders – “Somebody Check His Pulse: 17 Weeks of Complete Indifference from Art Shell”
San Diego Chargers – “Bolt-ing Towards the Title with the Thunder of LDT: The Chargers Show that with a Dynamo Running Back, Even Philip Rivers Can Win”
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys – “Troy Takes the Tuna off the Grill: How a Quarterback is Saving His Coach’s Career”
New York Giants – “Barry Bonds Would Fit Right in Here: The Total Dysfunction of a Locker Room”
Philadelphia Eagles – “If Only the Phillies Were Still In-Season: One Sports City’s Quest to Boo All Four of Its Professional Teams at Once”
Washington Redskins – “Deadskins: A Defense that Tarnishes the Image of the Native American Warrior”
NFC North
Chicago Bears – “A Strong Defense and a Weak NFC: The Anatomy of Going to the Super Bowl with Rex Grossman”
Detroit Lions – “47-Car-Pileup: Lions Represent the Motor City With their Representation of a Firey Wreck”
Green Bay Packers – “Clinging to the Frozen Tundra: Why Brett Farve’s Inability to Say Goodbye is Keeping the Packers Entrenched in Mediocrity”
As mentioned above, it appears that the Minnesota Vikings and the Kansas City Chiefs may have unethically collaborated in their work – “Middle of the Road: Our Struggles for Publicity in a Division With the Conference’s Best and Worst Team”
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons – “Double-Barreled Salute: Michael Vick Hopes Off-the-Field Screw-Ups Will Overshadow the Ones he Makes on the Field”
Carolina Panthers – “In the Weinke of an Eye: The Coinciding Fall of Delhomme and the Panthers Playoff Chances”
New Orleans Saints – “A Cast-Off Brees Blows and a Bush Falls into Their Hands: the Saints Capitalize on the Stupidity of Other Teams”
Once again, as mentioned above, a potential Academic Integrity violation by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Jacksonville Jaguars – “Opponents Distracted by Fun in the Sun: Why We Can’t Win Outside the State of Florida”
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals – “Trojans and Colts Whither in Desert Heat: How Matt Leinart and Edgerrin James Have Yet to Save the Cardinals”
San Francisco 49ers – “Dressed for Successive Failures: The Lack of a Linear Relationship Between a Coach’s Dress and a Team’s Play”
Seattle Seahawks – “Simply Cogs in an Invisible Machine: Thriving Despite Key Injuries and Relative Obscurity”
St. Louis Rams – “Scouting the Local Grocery Store Stock Boys: The Rams Return to Old Tricks in Attempts to Find Some Talent”
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A whole bunch of random links from the first half of the week:
Huskies to Get JuCo All-American Quarterback – This is phenomenal news for football fans in Connecticut. The team has struggled to find leadership ever since Dan Orlavsky graduated. Hopefully this will help things take a turn for the better.
Shoplifter Foiled When Pants Fall Down – She stuffed so much in her pockets that her pants couldn’t even stay up. Hilariously stupid.
New Jersey Principal Camps Out on Roof – Interesting motivational stunt.
Airport Workers Put Up Christmas Trees – Airport execs had taken them down because of a threatened lawsuit by a local Rabbi (who wanted a menorah added, not the trees taken down). However, employees of the various companies operating within the airport decided to put up trees themselves. The Rabbi has since dropped the lawsuit.
Texas Legislature May Allow Blind to Hunt – Yup. Only in Texas.
Condoms Too Large for Indian Men – Just try to read the first sentence of this story without giggling. I dare you.
Reindeer Hot Dogs in Chicago – Very interesting. I’d try one if I was given the opportunity.
Man Reports Stolen Drugs to 911 – So, he was illegally selling marijuana out of his house, got robbed, and called the police to report it, which of course led to his own arrest. Brilliant.
UCLA Database Hacked – Hackers may have had access to personal information of some 800,000 students, alumni, and faculty. Hopefully network administrators in institutions across the country heed this and take steps to upgrade their network’s security.
