College basketball season is upon us and non-conference schedules are in full swing. Of course, as has long been the case, many of the nation’s premier teams are located in the Deep South or Midwest, or at the very least, south of the Mason-Dixon Line. That being the case, it only seems appropriate to follow in the footsteps of the country’s greatest Redneck comedian, Jeff Foxworthy. Thus, The Voice of (un)Reason presents signs that you might be a college basketball fan…
If… You have ever owned face/body paint in the colors of your school… then you might be a college basketball fan.
If… You have learned the lyrics to a fight song that does not belong to your school… then you might be a college basketball fan.
If… You can’t think of anything you’d rather do for three hours than stand amidst a sea of the same colored t-shirts and jump up and down… then you might be a college basketball fan.
If… All your recent favorite players are either out of basketball or on the bench in the pros because they’re getting beat out by some punks who went in straight out of high school and got pro experience while “your boys” were playing college ball… then you might be a college basketball fan.
If… You hear the term “Fab Four” and think not of The Beatles, but instead think that somebody forget how many people were on the floor for the University of Michigan in the early ’90s… then you might be a college basketball fan.
If… You appreciate a good old-fashioned court storming… then you might be a college basketball fan.
If… A player who transfers into your school from a rival can instantly be transformed from “that @*#&-ing trailer trash who we can’t stop” into “the one who will lead us to the promised land“… then you might be a college basketball fan.
If… You realize that 
Bill Raftery is one of the greatest things to happen to basketball since Dr. Naismith hung a peach basket from the balcony of his local Y.M.C.A… then you might be a college basketball fan (“Send it in big fella!”… “With a little kiss!”).
If… You have become adept at spelling out your school’s name using only the parts of your own body… then you might be a college basketball fan.
If… You know which whistles are going to bring media timeouts before anyone has actually signaled for them… then you might be a college basketball fan.
If… You can understand and/or fluently speak the native language of Dick Vitale… then you might be a college basketball fan (“Hey America! This is Dickie V! These Froshers are some Diaper Dandies and some P-T-Per’s BAY-BEEE! Awesome with a capital A!”)
If… Upon hiring, you inform your employer that you will not be able to work the Thursday and Friday of the second full week of March every year… then you might be a college basketball fan.
If… You are more likely to end up toe-tapping or dancing to the music of a pep band than the music being played at the clubs… then you might be a college basketball fan.
And finally, if… You have ever found it in good taste to sing the following words to members of a rival school: “The wheels on your house go ’round and round, ’round and ’round, ’round and round”… then you might be a college basketball fan.
***********
Random news links from the last few days:
Male Birth Control Pill Could Be Available in Near Future – Very interesting. Should be a good alternative for couples worried about the long term effects of the female, hormone-based pills. Totally unnecessary cheap shot in the article though: “But if men can’t remember to take out the garbage, will they remember to take the birth control pill?” Lame.
Couple Finds Pasta Sauce in Camcorder Box – Oh, how I love the stories of holiday shopping.
Bomb-Sniffing Bees – Ummm… what?… definitely not a headline you come across every day. I’m not sure there’s really any practical use for this though. I can’t really see a bomb squad using a fleet of bees to search for explosives.
Leaning Back is Better Posture than Sitting Up Straight – Ah HA! Now THIS is some good news!
